i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
