He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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