So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
