I have demons in me.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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