I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
