I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
