they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
