I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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