boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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