I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
