No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
