And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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