Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
