New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
