we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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