I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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