I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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