We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
