i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
