you didnt know i had herpes?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
