i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
