she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
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