Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
