Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
