I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
