as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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