his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
