They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
How naked do you want me to be?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
