i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
