My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Is it penis luge time yet?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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