I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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