i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Randomize
