apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
