I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
