Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.