In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
my shit smells like andre
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
