So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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