I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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