She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
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Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
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Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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