I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
