I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
