I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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