Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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