Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
