Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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