You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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