You made me cry and you don't even care
It's Friday. Sex?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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