tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
We just shotgunned beers for America
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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