You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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