he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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