you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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