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There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
