i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
