I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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