He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize