I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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