I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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