I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Randomize
