for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
